Note: This piece first appeared under my byline on Wrong Speak. [link to original]
Barber (putting the barber cape on): What would you like me to do today?
Me: Whoa! Let’s not rush into this. What is it about your ethnic background, sexuality, or cognitive or physical disabilities that makes you think you’re qualified to cut my hair?
Barber: Uh, I’m sorry what?
Me: You think just because I wander into your “Barber Shop” I’m just going to let you start cutting my hair?
Barber (looking around confused): Is this a joke?
Me: This is the exact opposite of a joke. This is life and death! Why don’t you start by telling me why you think you’re the best person to cut my hair?
Barber: Because I’ve been cutting hair for 20 years?
Me: There you go, focusing on qualifications, using the violence of merit to perpetuate conditions that benefit whiteness.
Barber: But you’re a white man.
Me: You’re right to call me on that. I need to check my privilege.
Barber: And I’m Persian.
Me: Good! That’s a good start. That gets you the “Middle Eastern / North African” category. Go on.
Barber: The what category? Sorry, I’m confused. Go on where?
Me: Tell me what else makes you the best person to cut my hair.
Barber: My being Persian makes me the best person to cut your hair?
Me: It’s a start. I like to live my values and my values mirror those of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS).
Barber (looking around bewildered)
Me: As you know, AMPAS is at the forefront of representation and inclusion and if their rules are good enough for picking the Best Picture, they’re good enough to guide me in picking the best no matter what it is I need. Including picking the Best Barber.
Sure, it can be challenging at times but no matter how hard it is, I’m committed to promoting representation and inclusion in everything I do. Do you have any idea how hard it was to find a black lesbian mechanic in a wheelchair willing to fix my car?
Barber: You did that?
Me: Not yet. I’m still looking. It doesn’t help that all the local garages seem to be oppressive patriarchal structures that normalize the subordination of women. No matter, I’m committed to using public transport until I find a person in an underrepresented group who claims they can fix my car. How else can I be sure they’re the best mechanic?
Barber: Well –
Me: It was a rhetorical question. So, being Persian gets you the “racial or ethnic group” qualification but as you’re clearly a man, I’m afraid that you miss out on the women qualification... wait, I didn’t just misgender you by mistake, did I? (hitting self in head repeatedly) Stupid, stupid! When am I going to stop assuming someone is man just because I see a beard? I apologize for assuming your gender.
Barber: Uh... it’s ok?
Me: Phew. Thanks. Anyway, before I let you cut my hair, I’m going to need you to prove you belong to a second underrepresented group. You don’t happen to be LGBTQ+ do you?
Barber: I have a wife of 20 years.
Me: Disappointing. That means were down to the “cognitive or physical disabilities” or “deaf or hard of hearing” qualifications. You seem to be hearing me well enough. You don’t happen to have a wooden leg or ADHD or something do you?
Barber (shakes head)
Me: Irritable bowel syndrome? Tennis elbow? Chronically late for appointments? Honestly, I’m pretty desperate for a haircut so I’ll take anything.
Barber: Sorry, I’m a just a normal guy.
Me (gasping): “Normal?!” How dare you use a socially constructed concept to judge, exclude, and marginalize individuals or groups who do not conform to a dominant standard! (stands up and throws barber cape onto chair). You sir – or madam (raising eyebrow hopefully. Barber shakes head “no”) – you sir are a disgrace to the barber profession.
(storms out).
Barber (to self): Why a bald guy needs a barber is beyond me.
Note: “The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences representation and inclusion standards for Oscars® eligibility in the Best Picture category are designed to encourage equitable representation on and off screen to better reflect the diverse global population.” Please support them by living their values in your day-to-day lives.
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Priceless :-)
I shave my head but go to a barber regularly. I usually plop myself in the chair and say clever things like "Less Santa Claus and more ZZ Top, please!!" and then the barber "shapes" my beard, trims my mustache and various other places (ears, eyebrows).